Tuesday, October 30, 2007

At Least I'm Not Doing This For a Grade

I'm not a writer. Heck, I'm not even pretending to be a writer. But occasionally I do attempt to string together a couple of sentences that make it look like I actually earned that college degree. Sometimes I even try to get all creative with analogies and metaphors, but it usually ends up as lame as, um, something really lame. (SEE?)

I felt better about my own attempts, however, after I read these out in internet-land.

My favorites are #3 because that's EXACTLY what some of my first drafts sound like, and then #24 , just because it's true.


25 Funniest Analogies Collected by High School English Teachers.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

18 comments:

Tonya said...

#18 was my favorite just because I have a lot in common with grandpa..LOL

kristen said...

These are awesome. Can I borrow them when I teach my kids about metaphors and similes?

I like #1 and #2; and #10 gave me a nice visual.

I can't help but think of Jack Handy's deep thoughts....

Two Princess Girls said...

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh :)

East of Eden said...

I lauged so hard Randi, being a HS teacher, these are classic.

From this list, my favorite is #2, because I wish some one would invent Cling Free that disintgrated in the dryer, so you wouldn't find it in your collar the next day.

Holy Cow, thanks for the laugh!

Jenny said...

I love #14. It just seems so much like me. A little off topic but you can see how I got there! LOL

Melissa said...

HA! The great thing about these is that I have a brother that could have written any one of these ;)

Sue said...

I LOVE these. #14 made me laugh out loud. #3 and #22 are like something I could have written. Tee hee

mindyluwho said...

Hilarious! My sides hurt from laughing! #23 will make it hard to watch ballet seriously now!

Lena said...

Oh, now I have to get #10 out of my head, lol!

Caroline said...

Seriously, laughinb my rear off. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

This one was almost there, then they forgot this was an English assignment, not math. Love it.

Kimberly said...

Some are hilarious and some...I actually thought were quite clever. I'm weird though.

Heather said...

I thought some of them were really good, guess that tells you a little about my writing.

Yvonne said...

I'm still laughing at #5 and #20. Thanks.

An Ordinary Mom said...

This makes me feel better about some of my own metaphors :) !!

so grateful to be Mormon! said...

randi:
these were hilarious to read. i especially love the thigh master, the mob informant, and the garbage truck beeping noise. thanks for making me laugh (like someone who laughs whatever. ha.) tonight, kathleen :)

Nancy Face said...

HAHAHA, I loved them all! I'm silly enough that I wish I had thought of these MYSELF! :)

Thanks for the laughs...Happy Halloween! :D

Baby J said...

#4 #3 #22 #25 SOO funny! My English teacher's love to whip out this list every once in a while. Some of the analogies made remind me of you! ha..not the lame duck or hefty garbage bag. They're just funny enough to have been something you said..You Are the Funny One. ;)

so grateful to be Mormon! said...

rand:
i am still getting a kick out of this today. thanks for sharing the comparisons. such a treat. how are you today? yes, i love having my awesome neighbor kids next door -- they are full of energy and love for me! loving it. hope your night is groovy, kathleen :)