I'm glad to have had the luxury of a couple of teary days and fantastic cyber friends to come to terms with the fact that this is not about me. Thank-you for all your support for our family, and especially your
On those rare occasions when I actually recognize that I am in the middle of a life changing event, I try to talk myself through it by reminding myself that this is what I'm here for. I believe that our spirits lived with God before we were born here, and part of the reason I'm here is to test my spirit, to see how I handle things without being in His presence.
Somehow, looking at life events as tests make them easier for me to get through. It becomes a challenge, and my competitive nature kicks in. (Somebody remind me not to yell "Bring it on!" because I think tempting fate like that might be just a little out of the arena in which I care to be challenged.)
So it's test time. Time for me to make the transition from what did I do? To what can I do?
It's about the future, not the past.
What I want for all of us out of this, is to come to terms with the very real fact that our Heavenly Father loves us no matter what we do. And no matter what, he always wants us to come back.
My very wise bishop reminded me yesterday that my son is now a man, and it is most definitely not my job to get in and fix this for him, or even with him. It's my job to be the soft place to land, and the tangible demonstration of unconditional love.
I can do that.
46 comments:
You are loved. Very, very loved.
Randi - you aer an awesome mom! And your Bishop is right - you don't have to jump in... just let him know that your love is unconditional! (((More Hugs!!)))
Okay... I don't know if you "aer" an awesome mom... sigh... why don't they have spell check on these comments? Im a teribel spellar.
And I didn't finish my comment... I need to go back to BED!! YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOM!!!!!! Okay. I'm done. I think...
you hit the nail on the head. it's what you CAN do that makes all the difference in the world. No doubt this is going to be hard for you. But it's going to be hard for him too. Just love him, everything will turn out for the best.
Thanks, guys.
Oh, and you're all totally welcome.
For getting that song stuck in your head.
(It's going around and around isn't it?)
Big huggers Randi. I no that your bishop was inspired. I once had a bishop ask me-- if a plane was crashing, do you put the oxygen mask on your kids first or yourself first. Well I said my kids of course. And he said no-- you put the oxygen mask on yourself first so then you can better help your kids.
I have never ever forgotten that. I know that you will do that too.
I will just be thinking about you all week. You are a great mother and you will be totally inspired. You love him so much and that is all that is required right now.
What an amazing thought from your bishop Thanks for sharing it I am going to have to write it down.
Keep plugging way you can do it.
Go, bishop! What an wonderful piece of advice.
Good luck with everything. I think you will find the exact right thing to do.
I'm glad you are feeling a little more able to cope. Start fluffling the pillows!
I love your thoughts on "what did I do" to "what can I do"...very powerful.
You will come out this is better, stronger, wiser...and best of all for those who know you--someone to learn from.
Aren't those "Wow, I feel all growed up" moments just amazing. They bring with them such hope...that the destination we're aiming for isn't as far away as we thought it was.
Thanks for sharing your inspiring thoughts with us. Love you babe!
Yes, more hugs. And more love clouds.
Get your son well, physically and mentally, and allow him the space he needs to get on with his life. He can 'finish' his mission in so many different ways, and not necessarily a million miles away from you.
All you we can change is the future- and to that I will yell "BRING IT ON!"
The sign of a good parent is when you can stand back and NOT parent. That takes serious strength. What a great bishop. Hang in there.
You do have an insightful bishop. His counsel is so kind and peaceful. Buddy served an honorable mission, that's the important thing.
As one who has come to really count on my blogging buddies for support through some rough times, I 100% understand all that you're saying.
I constantly am amazed at the myriad ways we are tested throughout mortality. We all have different things, and what is hard for one is not so much for someone else.
I loved the line from Conference:
Life is hard; the Gospel is easy.
Very, very best wishes for you!
LOVE the Bishop's comment!!! I'm not sure how to say this, but bear with me. Before, you were in the "fix-it" frame of mind, which is a really hard and challenging place to be, especially considering the lack of power and control with which you were faced. Now you get to be in the supportive, loving, catching place. You get to do the stuff that I love to do, which is to be the soft place. Instead of being the stern, brusque, drill-sergeant, you get to be the sweet, cushy, have-some-milk-and-cookies-parent. Not that it won't come with it's challenges, but it sounds like you are ready. You da wo-man!!
"I can do that"
Yes you can, and you will :)
"I can do that"
Yes you can, and you will :)
What a wonderful thing your bishop said. And what a nice post you wrote! I'm positive that your love and support will be a huge blessing to your son, as well as a positive channel to put your energy into. I am happy that you are in a good state of mind for this life "event". :)
though i don't know you personally, i get the feeling that you have been, are now, and will still be a great mother.
"Time for me to make the transition from what did I do? To what can I do?"
I love this statement Randi. I have been having the same sort of mother-guilt feelings and have been feeling very low lately about what I have or have not done in my parenting role. The past is past and I can only change the future. Thanks for the reminder!
Great advice from your Bishop. But I would imagine it may be challenging to take. How can we not yell "Bring it on?!" We are Pioneers and it's all we know!
Um, I hate to be rude and leave a comment that's totally off-topic, but I'm going to anyway. :-P
So did you ever find out who that Carrolton stalker was? I've got a person from the same area checking out my archives as well. And I'm not nearly as funny or entertaining as you, so it feels a bit weird.
Nope, my Carrollton friendslashstalker never commented in. But they did go and visit almost all the links on my blog(including comments.) So if you see Carrollton, TX on your feejit, you'll know you had a visit, too.
I stumbled acrossed your blog somehow the other day and am enjoying it very much!I didn't want you to think I was a "creepy stalker" so now I am just an "identified stalker" Everything will turn out great for you and your son I just know it!
"it is most definitely not my job to get in and fix this for him, or even with him. It's my job to be the soft place to land, and the tangible demonstration of unconditional love."
I LOVE that.
Okay, now you've got me crying. See? I REALLY DO care about you! :)
You're awesome. I am late in reading your last post - but I wanted to say that I think you are already dealing with it fabulously...so far....from a blogging standpoint....and if you haven't screamed a little and cried a little and prayed a lot and eaten a whole chocolate fudge covered cake, then no one would believe that you were a real human. :)
Well, your not the first mom to have to do this! But supporting him will be a good "job" for you. From another end, I have known lots of missionaries who were too afraid to go home, no matter how much they actually needed to. It was always problematic, but at least they got to go home with their secrets intact (while those of us left behind had the mess to clean up.) I applaud your son for doing what he feels is right.
This happened to a young man I used to know (now a happy dad with a temple marriage) and when he got home, our stake president came to our sacrament meeting. He said, "Many of you have noticed that XXX is home earlier than we expected. That is his business, not yours. If you really feel like you need to know why he is home early, you can come talk to me. Please respect his privacy." I suspect that talking to him would have resulted in a discussion about why some people can't stay out of other people's business.
Sorry...that was long!
You have a very wise Bishop.
Heavenly Father does love us--no matter what. I find such comfort in that knowledge. Our Savior stands ready to lift those burdens if we'll just let them go.
You loved by many--never forget
This is where good friends go nicely with a side of Ben and Jerry's.
My girlfriend has a sign on her fridge that says, "We can do hard things". Sounds like you already know this, Heavenly Father must think you totally rock as a parent.
Oh-oh-oh. I am sending you super big cyber hugs. Ten years ago my son chose not to go on a mission and we were informed of his lack of worthiness to go in a very ugly unkind way-I can feel your pain. Now my #3 son told the bishop last week that "he's not sure if he wants to go." It is such a hard, hard thing to go through because you know how much a mission can help them grow-and also you feel like a "bad" parent-wondering what you did wrong-which FHE did I miss or family prayer did we miss to bring this on....Unfortunately a mission is also a "Mormon culture" type thing.....I will pray for you....it is so hard to be patient...time will help you a lot. The temple will help and there will be times when you have to shut your door and have a good cry. Just feel the love from all around you! Hang in there!
randi, you rock. If I lived near you I would totally want to be your real friend....and not just a cyber one.
Randi, usually I'm a lurker (because you are totally awesome and have me completely intimidated) but wanted to add to the growing support on here! You're awesome!
Your bishop is inspired. I'm glad his words brought a new perspective to this test. Perhaps you'll have more challenging days ahead, but the clarity of vision you show on this post is awe-inspiring. You are a light on a hill as far as I am concerned.
Yes, just love and listen. That's all I craved for when I was struggling with that similar situation. You are an awesome mom - a woman I look up to SO much. I've appreciated the opportunities I've had to work with you and grow from you. He's gonna feel lost - everything is weird, like you don't fit in anywhere anymore - at least, that's how I felt - a lot of returned missionaries do! What helped me was to keep my regular scripture study schedule from my mission. Just my 2 cents.
Oh, and totally unrelated, Cassidy did get her consequence. Hopefully we'll nip the whole 'wanting to make bad choices' thing in the bud while her "bad" choices and consequences aren't earth shattering!
Your bishop is correct. Great, great post. He will be alright. It will take some time but with his upbringing, his parents, and that great bishop, he has a lot in his corner. Maybe this just isn't his time. Maybe in the future many years, this opportunity will come again. Life is just starting for him. I love President Hinckley's comment from time to time....."It'll be okay."
This is my first comment EVER on a blog....I'm new at this. And a chicken, folks. (So I'm sorry I'll be anonymous.) This post made me cry. I am a convert to this church, with 5 sons.....I LOVE IT SO MUCH! However, I feel SOOO much pain and pressure of people looking down their noses. My oldest is 16 and I'd like to see ALL of my boys serve. Yet.... what if they don't go? What if they're not worthy? What if they get sent home? Holy crap. I'm not even THERE yet and I'm going through the pressures and pains.....
After reading this post, I realized one thing. It should not matter who, what, when, where, how, and why......we are all in this together and shouldn't judge.
And I think you rock, Randi. You've made me smile out here in Virginia EVERY day.
Yay for amazing bishops, right?
Thanks again, everyone for your support and advice and love.
And YAY for de-lurkers! I'm excited to see you and expand my circle a little bit!
Hey Virginia, send me your email address. I would love to talk to you a little more!
I'm not your stalker either...just a retired teacher lurking on your blog because your writing makes me smile.
One lesson I have learned and relearned (and relearned - sigh) is that we cannot pray away another's free agency. All we can do is love them anyway. Trust that everything will work out because Heavenly Father is in charge and can turn any situation for good.
My mantra when I worked in YW was: The world wants your money, Satan wants your soul, Heavenly Father wants you back.
So I guess what I mean is, I'm with you sistah!
You girl girl. You rock!
randi,
beautiful post.
you're awesome, kathleen
Post a Comment