Friday, December 12, 2008

If She Has A Blog, I'm Definitely the Topic Today


Last night I attended The Brain's office holiday party. It was a dinner at a nice restaurant for about 10 people and their significant others. I'll tell you right now, I usually dread these things. You know, I take my duties as a trophy wife pretty seriously, so there's a little bit of pressure.

And plus, I like meeting everyone, but then they start loading people up on free alcohol. I mean, nothing says Merry Christmas like a roomful of people with very large wine glasses, right?

For me the evening usually deteriorates about 30 minutes into the function, where everyone is holding their second or third refill, and they are just barely starting to bring out the appetizers. (Read: lots of alcohol + no food = people who are starting to think they're hilarious.)

But last night I was in rare form. I liked the way my hair looked (you know how important that is, right?) And I ordered a root beer, which I never do, so I don't know... maybe I was a little sugar buzzed, myself. But I was really holding my own. I found some interesting people to talk to, I was witty, fun, and people actually laughed at my jokes. (That's right - read: sugar + no food = I am hilarious.)

I even found the last person in America that didn't know about Twilight (book or movie) and talked to her a little bit about sharing the book with her 12 year old daughter who likes mythical creatures, but hates to read, AND HAS NEVER HEARD OF THE BOOK. ... Right, lady.

(I'm guessing she's going to get up this morning and tell her daughter about this fun new book for them to read together, and her daughter is going to roll her eyes and do one of those V8 conks on her head and say, "MOOOOM! I have been talking about that book for a year now, and I have seen the movie with my friends 5 times!! Look at me! Do you SEE the Mrs. Edward Cullen T-shirt I am wearing?")

But anyway-

The big snafu ... and you knew it was coming, right? ...came during dinner. I was seated across from a different woman who was about my age. And I know this because she has a 17 year old son that she talked about for a really loooong time. So she has to be somewhere around my age is all I'm saying. She's not like 22 or anything.

So I'm sitting across from this woman and the servers bring out a large bowl of broccoli spears to be served family style, and her husband takes the biggest helping of broccoli I have ever seen a grown person deposit on a plate, and just tore into it. Then he started saying how great the broccoli was. Over and over and over again. Best Broccoli EVER.

Hey, I'm up for some good broccoli, so I helped myself - along with everyone else on our end of the table. But the guy just kept talking about the broccoli.
I laughed and said to the woman, "I guess you don't cook a lot of broccoli at home."

I don't know, doesn't that sound innocent to you?

Because her face fell, and she said "Well, I don't cook anything. I can't really cook. I've only been married 3 weeks." And you guys she was completely serious. And she was a little offended and made a half hearted attempt to justify the face that she is over 40 and doesn't know how to cook broccoli.

And you'd think that could be the end of it, but then, THEN she started making fun of me for being old fashioned and assuming that women always cook. And furthermore she doesn't ever do any of the cooking because SHE works and doesn't get home till 6 pm. And she wouldn't let it go.

Ummm, OK. Apparently, not everyone is a happy drunk.

Was there anything I could have said to fix it that? Because I just sort of smiled and agreed that wow getting home at 6 is late for cooking dinner. And YEAH, especially after you actually WORK all day.... Oh my!

Whatever. My only defense against being blog fodder today, is that I can't imagine she has a blog. She was way too uptight for that.

But lady, if you're reading this, I'm betting you've got one heck of a hangover today. I really hope your head feels better soon. You know, sort of.

46 comments:

Paul said...

A few possible retorts:

"Well, if you don't get home 'til six, you've probably never heard of these Twilight books. Let me just tell you about them..."

or

"Well, you can get these individual bags of broccoli that can be steamed in the microwave. I think it takes ninety seconds. So, in YOUR case, you could have them on the table for your broccoli-loving husband by - oh, I don't know - SIX-OH-TWO!"

or, my personal fave,

"Well, it's a good thing he doesn't eat it much, 'cause his URINE is going to STINK!"

Nothing breaks social tension than discussions about pee, poop, or bile.

Yvonne said...

I like how Paul thinks ; )

Frankly, I don't know what I would say. You could have just poured on the sympathy about how hard it must be to actually WORK as opposed to sitting at home cooking broccoli all day.

I hope you wished her a Merry Christmas.

"Q" said...

Didn't you tell her homemade broccoli always tasted better than restaurant broccoli? Poor dear.

"Q" said...

oops! "tastes"

joanna said...

I like Paul's recommendations also! It's always hard to think of what to say when someone shocks you with no sense of humor whatsoever.

aurora said...

Un. be. lievable.

LisAway said...

Funny comments.

I'm so glad I don't drink. AND that I know how to cook broccoli (just finished eating some as a matter of fact)

Cheryl said...

Dude. She was probably feeling guilty because she sucks at anything related to housewifery; plus she was drunk.
Drunk+guilt= insanely rude

No worries.

lmerie said...

or you could have said, "wow, married only three weeks? you waited a long time!" Then she would have been over the cooking issue! hehe (oh, and now my disclaimer: there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting to get married or not getting married. She just sounds like many things might be nagging at her - hehe)

Annette Lyon said...

No idea what I would have said--but it surely would have made the situation worse!

Heidi Ashworth said...

I love funny but I have to tell you, I don't often laugh out loud when I read even the funny stuff--I don't know why not--but I did LOL and I do mean, LOL when I read this, especially the part about the teenager rolling her eyes at her mom about Twilight. I mean, how true is that? (so true!)

Heidi Ashworth said...

And, might I add, no wonder her husband tore into the broccoli. The guy is probably starving to death. Three weeks without dinner is a loooooong time.

Barbaloot said...

You should have started going off on how time consuming it is to be a famous blogger and yet, with all that, you've still managed to make broccoli on occassion.
I mean, does that lady think that WORKING is they only way women can keep busy? Psh.

mormonhermitmom said...

I'm glad my husband doesn't have to do those things. Company parties for him are barbecues and the folks who drink have beer. It's still boring for me to watch people drink but...

Just remember, you can't trust anything people say when under the influence, and in her case, she may have wanted to be home instead of hanging on the hubby's arm all night

mormonhermitmom said...

P.S. you did good!

Stephanette said...

I think you did great. I would have probably stuck my foot in my mouth.

My office party is all Mormon (and who knew in the middle of nowhere Kansas), so if I brought a Dr. Pepper - well, you know how that would go.

I find it very hard to believe that someone in her office hadn't told her about Twilight. She must not watch tv, read magazines, or go online either. Safe to say she probably doesn't have a blog.

Heather said...

She was only just jealous and insecure about her obvious lack of trophywifeness in your presence.

Melissa said...

I like Paul's responses :)
And who knew root beer could give you comic prowess? Perhaps I'll have to drink it more often!

the MomBabe said...

What? You didn't get on a pedestal and tell her that yes indeed she IS supposed to come home and cook a 7 course dinner every night, then do the dishes, AND have sex? I mean, sheesh lady, PRIORITIES!

Becky N. said...

Ditto to everyone before me (especially Heidi & giggling at the Twilight stuff)!! Your response was probably way better than I could have done on the spot. One of the many reasons I hate attending work functions with my husband.

We're out in Maryland. Sometimes people out here don't even know what Mormon is. Frequently, work functions have been held at wineries. Or on a boat with nothing but liquor on a Sunday. We've skipped all of those. But one year, the Christmas party was held at a nice restaurant in a private upstairs room. It was all really fun! Until the drinking started. A couple of hubby's coworkers induldged in the free booze a little too much, got drunk enough to make me really nervous, and finally, one of them vomited all over the nice restaurant's nice carpeting.

Hubby's company was asked to never return, after that night.

That was a "fun" Christmas party. :S I never did like alcohol being served at work functions. Just a recipe for disaster all around.

Heather of the EO said...

What a strange exchange.

I just love how you tell a story.

She sounds just a tad insecure. Or maybe she'll write a book about how NO actual WORKING woman should have the time to make broccoli. It takes FOREVER. :)

Stacey said...

C'mon! 3 weeks is enough time to learn how to cook broccoli. Or try the steam fresh packets. There are other broccoli options lady!

I like Paul's responses too.

The Miller Family said...

Ohmygoodness. That was SO funny!

goddessdivine said...

Hey, is this the post you submitted for the book? ;-)

I think that lady has a reindeer up her butt (Ha! What movie?); I mean, any female who hasn't heard of Twilight is seriously disturbed.

And C'mon! I know plenty of working women who also cook. I mean, hello! Mac and Cheese takes like 20 minutes. And what--is there something wrong with homemaking duties? You could have told her that her place is in the home (I would love to see the fire come out of her mouth then). Ok, I'm having too much fun with this.

You did NOTHING wrong. YOU have a sense of humor; SHE has issues.

I think you should mail her a copy of Twilight......

Loralee and the gang... said...

Just the reason why we don't go to any of my husband's office parties - drunks, filthy mouths, and embarrasing craziness! We are so not missing, missing out on THAT Christmas tradition!
:<

Liv said...

40? And can't cook anything? And doesn't get home til after six? Listen here. Some nights I don't get home from work until 7. And I still have to make something for me and my husband to eat dinner. No sympathy here because if I left my husband to fend for himself, he would (not kidding) stop eating.

No Cool Story said...

Yeah, what Heather said.

Someone that lame can't possibly have a blog. Or if she does, no one reads it.

Can I say drunk attention whore on your blog?
No? uh, sorry.

No Cool Story said...

BTW, tonight I am going to Daily Hero's company dinner.

I bet the boss's wife will look gorgoues and stunning as always :D

Lillian said...

I am so hungry for broccoli now.

Janell said...

It sounds like you struck a nerve, yet I still can't sympathize with the lady because I fail to see her logic that being married is prerequisite to making broccoli. Gee, I'm single, and when I work until 6:30 (Ha! 30 more minutes. Neener-neeer) that broccoli is one of the easier vegetables.

She would have been better to respond, "I'm allergic."

In good news, your statement didn't do anything to imply that she ought to be cooking broccoli or that she ought to be the family chef. She took umbrage and your only salvation might have been, "You just were married! Congratulations!"

Kimberly said...

I like Paul's second suggestion there. Tee hee!

That Girl in Brazil said...

Obvious insecurities talking. And the easiest way to cover up an insecurity is to make OTHERS insecure.

For forty, she sounds like she never left middle school.

Sue Q said...

Hey, don't worry -- I just googled "can't cook broccoli criticism" and your name didn't come up.

I think the lady just needs to go have a time-out and put her nose in the corner. Alcohol can surely do strange things to people, and if all it took was a few dry martinis or whatever for her to play her "I need therapy" card at a social function, then I suggest you convince your husband to schedule next year's party at the McDonald's Fun House. Then everybody can take turns climbing through the Ball Pit.

Sue said...

You should have hit her with the truth "How sad for you, sounds like you're really lacking some organizational skills. You know I've been teaching organization and cooking to young girls for years, if you'd like some ideas - give me a call - I'm sure I could help you too."

ganelle said...

See, and I'm totally comforable with the notion that I can't cook. Hmm. Maybe she's just not self-actualized yet. Poor dear...

Alison Wonderland said...

How can you not know how to make broccoli? Broccoli, water, heat. what's to know?

Kalola said...

Was the broccoli spiked? I mean, really, if he liked it THAT MUCH .... :-0

Lauren said...

Psh...I dont get home until 6 either and I still cook. She is a retard. She is just jealous of your cute hair.

Blog is my Co-Pilot said...

hello, insecure. ( the lady, not you)

Tori :) said...

Doesn't brocolli give people gas? Or did I make that up? If it does, no worries- look who she got to sleep with that nite- a guy full of brocolli gas.

No Cool Story said...

WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE!!!

Where is my flair?!?!

>:( Now I am really really mad at the non-broccoli party pooper.
She ruined my Friday flair!

alotalot said...

I also didn't know that people waited until they were married to cook vegetables. What has her kid been eating all these years??

Nancy Face said...

UGH! I would have HATED that party!

What you said was completely innocent...that chick was as uptight as they come! :S

Vern said...

Awwww, I MISS company parties! My husband's company decided to cancel the holiday party this year because of the economy, and I have to say that I'm going to miss my annual sideshow I like to call "Glitter Boobs". So much more I could say, but I should stop.

Deanna said...

Hilarious and exactly why we skipped my personal trainer husbands Christmas party. Could you see me a 35 year old mother of 5 kids, standing in a room full of twenty something hot bodies trying to look and sound hip!? Not gonna happen, no way, not every. All I know how to talk about are kids.

Jennifer said...

Most people have things they are sensative about. It looks like you just accidentally hit one. Bummer for you. I don't think there is anything to do...just walk away!