Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Internetiquette

What's the policy or manners or etiquette for adding someone else's husband to my list of facebook friends?

Because when the little sidebar pops up with "people I may know" and it's a man in my ward, I think
"Yeah! I like Brother Smith."

But then I get kinda creeped out when I go to click on it. Like maybe Sister Smith is going to come in and read over his shoulder that we are now friends. And then the next day she will see that we have both joined the "Fans of Gordon B Hinckley" group on the same day, and she's going to call me and demand to know exactly what is going on here.

Oh the drama I can create in my head. But seriously - I get kinda weirded out about stuff like that.

But I feel rude just "ignoring" their friend requests and I think this is quite possibly the most surreal topic I have ever written about.

And for that matter, I get all kinds of 14 year old boys from the ward popping up on there, too. And that takes the creepy to a whole new level.
This whole post is making me shudder. Maybe that's the answer. Am I weird? Go ahead, you can tell me.

44 comments:

Alison Wonderland said...

I don't really have that problem but I actually can see it. Boy, I'm glad I haven't encountered any ward members on facebook. Yet.

Yvonne said...

I have a tough time with it, too. (But I'm old ; ) The funniest is when the young boys in the ward send a flirt--I'm like WHAT!!!! Then I realize they are just trying to make me laugh ; )

Stacey said...

I wondered the same thing when I sent a friend request to my home teacher. Then I realized his wife will know I'm not trying to steal her man. (I hope she will anyway) :P

Janell said...

Maybe its because I'm single, but I don't understand why there seems to be a stigma that married women can't talk to any man who isn't her husband.

As for Facebook, my general rule is that if I don't interact with a person for at least an average of 1 hour a week, then they're not really my friend.

Dave said...

I joined Facebook with the intent of keeping tabs on the YM/YW on there. It is great being a leader and really being in tune with what is going on in their life.

As far as opposite sex friends, I don't see any problem. In fact, I've been facebook friends with a lady for several months now, and only recently realized her husband was on and added him.

I guess if you wouldn't mind stopping in the store and chatting for a few minutes, it's ok to add him. It is about the same to me.

Lara said...

I do see your dilemma. I go ahead and add them if they request it, but I have never done the requesting. But there you go.

jjstringham said...

I agree with Dave. I add the people in the ward that I actually talk to in the hall or in the grocery store when we run into each other. I don't add the youth (because they don't fall into the stop and say hi category), but if they send me a friend request I always accept. Mainly because it makes me feel like I must be cool if the youth want to be my "friend."

Melissa said...

I accept friend requests as long as it's from people I know. Will it make you feel better if I tell you that I'm "friends" with three of my ex-boyfriends?

Pam said...

I am with you on this one.

Amy Peterson said...

My rule is if their wife has a facebook account as well, then you can add them (both of them especially if they are in your ward). That way everyone is down with what is going on.

Paul said...

I'm generally an introvert. I'm not big at talking on the phone, and I don't have any room in my life for new friends.

By far, my preferred method of communication is the written word. Through email, I become a total talker - sometimes, to an absolute fault. In person, I usually say something embarrassing (to myself and my posterity).

So, to me, Facebook is awesome. It allows a person to communicate with simple precision - almost completely avoiding the painful niceties that make me want to put a fork in my eye.

Example: a woman in our ward gave a GREAT talk on Sunday - a lone bright spot in an otherwise-abysmal Sacrament meeting. Fortunately, she's on my Facebook, so voila! I sent her a message telling her how much I enjoyed her talk. She responded with a hearty thank you. And BAM! We had a successful Facebook encounter. Happy feelings all around, and it only took a couple of minutes.

Annette Lyon said...

I weirded out when I saw my bishop on FB. I've added other male ward members, but somehow I couldn't get myself to "friend" him.

Kathryn said...

If the wife is on facebook, add her first :)

Jillybean said...

Facebook. Bringing awkward social situations to a whole new level.

Becky N. said...

I have sort of the opposite problem, I think. I'm friends with a guy, online only, who hubby and I both used to play games with. He doesn't have a Facebook account. But his wife does. I have never really talked to her, though I have commented on her family pictures since her husband gave us the link. She friended me recently. And her husband and I kinda talk through her account, from time to time. And then, again, just a few days ago, I got a friend request from a guy I didn't know. I read the name out loud to my husband, and it was an old missionary companion of his. So I accepted the request, because my husband isn't on Facebook. And then the missionary comp and I go back and forth a few times about old missionary times. Yet I hardly know of the guy.

It's a little awkward for me to be interacting with the spouses of my friends, or the friends of my spouse... but whatever. As long as I don't have to accept the friends requests of the people in my past I'd rather leave behind and never give a second thought to, you know?

There's a lot of casual friends I have in my ward who I haven't put on my friends list. Because, I figure, if I up and moved away... would I really keep in touch with them, without Facebook? If my answer is no, it doesn't make sense to add them. Though I wouldn't deny a request.

Tink said...

Ha! I'm friends with hubbys' in our ward on FB. It's worked out just fine...I think...who knows, maybe I've created a whole new level of arguing and distrust in their household. Ewww. Now look what you've gone and made me think about ;0)

Dave said...

Becky and Tink bring up some interesting issues. I hate being the go between on facebook for Nat. but she refuses to join. Therefore, I have some friends that are really her friends.

I do add those casual friends because it allows me to keep up with people I wouldn't have otherwise.

If your relationship has so much distrust that being friends on facebook shakes it, then facebook isn't your first problem.

lmerie said...

I have not thought too much about it - I think I close that part out b/c I refuse to feel any more 15ish than facebook already forces "will you be my friend" hehe. I figure it is all so in the open and snippets of lives, there is no threat or room for issues . . . but then again. geez, thanks for the paranoia! hehe

The Simpsons said...

Okay...I am no longer a blog stalker. Here is my first comment. I love your blog and this post made me laugh really hard. I am not on FB so I dont really relate but I can see the dilemna. It's hard to know if the wife is insecure and will freak out or if she will trust her hubby and be fine.

Becky said...

I suppose you could always just ask the person: does your spouse care if I'm your Facebook friend?

Nah. Too easy. (I'm really not mocking you here, because I can create drama in my head with the best of them. Why do we do that?)

Also, I avoid Facebook like the plague, and yet I'm an avid blogger. Where's the logic in that?

goddessdivine said...

Totally creepy. But, I guess however that couple runs facebook is between them. Perhaps just accept his 'friendship', and then that's it. My SIL has a policy that she doesn't email any other male without sending a carbon copy to someone else (and often times her husband). She just feels better about doing things that way. I invited my hometeacher to be my friend on goodreads, but also sent an invite to his wife (also my friend), even though she's not much of a reader. I just felt better that way.

So, I guess I don't really have an answer for you. Sorry. But it's good that you are thinking about these things and being careful. Really, you just can't be too careful these days.

the MomBabe said...

Yeah, what I have to say on the matter would take up entirely TOO MUCH SPACE here. But I've had to un-friend people because it was creeping my out a bit. shrug. I say, do what you're comfortable with.

Dude, and HECK NO to the youngin's. Like I really need some kid in the ward who doesn't know me from Adam to get status updates from me. No thank you.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I've used the ignore button on facebook more than any other feature. My philosophy is if I didn't invite it, I don't want it. There are a few exceptions, but usually if it's not someone I would go out looking to find myself, no need to update them on the ins and outs of my daily life. And an absolute no policy on any male youth (under 18). Last thing I need is some parent looking over their shoulder saying, "Hey, why is Sister S. your friend on FB?!"

LisAway said...

I hear you. I'm friends with both the lady I babysat for (and became very good friends with) and her husband, but I'd say I communicate with her husband more than I do with her. It seems a little weird, even though/because we've always gotten along very well.

And adding teenagers gives them a higher number of friends. Which means you're contributing to their popularity, and therefore to their self esteem.

BTW- I was like Janell at first, thinking I would never add anyone that I didn't actually plan on contacting, but it's been too hard, and now I add most everyone who requests, as long as I know them. I almost never request anyone myself, though. Plus, I'm on facebook so rarely that it doesn't matter, really.

LisAway said...

I meant to say that I really, really like your little picture/quote at the top of your sidebar. That's awesome.

The Dillon 6 said...

accept their friendship to their face. and then unfriend them when they're not looking. no harm, no foul. ;)

Nancy Face said...

I think I'm glad that I'm NOT on Facebook! ;)

mormonhermitmom said...

Eww. One more soap opera reason I don't want to do FB.

JustRandi said...

Well, like Dave, the only reason I actually joined facebook in the first place was to keep an eye on my kids and my young women. I'm pretty sure that's why I get so many young men popping up on that sidebar. It's just what happens when you've got 30 teenage girls as friends.

Frankly if I get beyond the creepiness of the age difference, there are a lot of reasons to add ym. For sure I get a different look at my young women. And a much better look at the current vibe between the youth in the ward.

And then there's the plus that if they are willing to "friend" me, it's a WHOLE lot less likely that there will be inappropriate things going on on their page. Whether it's profanity, suggestive flirting, or whatever.


And YOU CAN UNFRIEND PEOPLE??? I thought they would get notified if you did that. Wait, now I need to go check my friend list!

Tori :) said...

Sei's like friends with chicks all over the place and it kinda bugs me, but I'm weird like that. I know they aren't gonna try to steal my man. And if you're friends with the wife too then I think it's totally ok.
I also think you and I "think" way too much!!

(Sorry I'm so behind reading. New posts weren't showing up for you on my reader!!)

joanna said...

I haven't read everyone else's comments yet, but I think it's totally hilarious to find "kids" on Facebook, and here I am 30-something looking for people I know. I guess FB started off as a kid thing anyway.

That Girl in Brazil said...

You don't need to add him as a friend. You already are friends. On Sunday, where friend-husband friendships belong.

As a rule, I only add people I don't have regular contact with. I feel that facebook is a way to REconnect - not boost your friend count!

Heather said...

Um.... now that you know about unfriending people don't try and use that feature on me!

I'm friends with lots of teenage boys, oops! But in my defense they all requested me, and they are friends with Jer too.

sweet nectar sara said...

yeah, i feel weird when i've asked someone to be my friend, like i'm desperate or something.
but i'll tell you what's creepy: my high school boyfriend accepting a friend request from younger sister. awwwkward.

Erin said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Heidi Ashworth said...

Ummm, me too! (I don't request to be friends with men but if they ask me I usually do it. I'm such a push over that way)

Mimi said...

I think that I'm going to go with the "Your a total weirdo" option. :)

Trannyhead said...

I am RESISTING the call to Facebook. I used to have a Facebook account, and I just couldn't deal with people who were like 10 years younger than I was and were in elementary school when I was in high school "friending" me. I mean - I don't know who you are, you aren't going to be my friend. Too much drama!

Kristina P. said...

Oh, Facebook. I get friend request from people just because we have the same last name. Really? I don't even know you!

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Jack Bauer fans unite! I will return!

Lauren said...

Hmm...I don't really think it is weird. Maybe because I had my Facebook way before I was even close to being a married woman...so I have a ton of guys as friends. However, ever since being married I haven't really communicated with any guys other than my brother on Facebook, so I dunno. I can't form a good opinion.

Actually, yes I just did form an opinion. Ted has a facebook, and he doesn't get on it very much, but the only person he seems to communicate with is a girl that he kinda dated. She is my friend too, but it is weird.

aurora said...

It is NOT just you!!! Holy Cow I have made up all of those same creeped-out scenarios and have wondered whatintheheck to do!!

So, I discussed it with Hubby and I accept them and then don't pursue. It's weird. I really have a love/hate with the whole Facebook thingy.

wenderful said...

I agree completely. But I'm a little torn.

The best way to keep tabs on my 13 year old daughter is to be friends with her friends to see what they post. But then again, I really don't want to know them that well. Especially the boys. And I don't want them to know me that well.

I only add the husbands if the wives are also my friends or if I know them really well already.

Mikelle said...

Hey! Long time no read! (sorry!)

I totally know what you mean... My husband and I agreed that I wouldn't add any ex-boyfriends or guys on FB but then guys from my ward started requesting to be my friend and I didn't know what to do. I feel like I'm being mean when I ignore their request. Oh and is your Bishop on FB? Because mine is. And I think it's REALLY weird. I'm not friends with him (on FB) but I'm friends with his wife so I see some of the things he writes. Can you say awkward?!

Anonymous said...

this post makes me lol