Friday, February 13, 2009

Apparently I Stink as a Grandmother

What's more fun than a real baby that takes every moment of your attention? Why, a plastic simulator baby of course!


That's right, it's Mimi's weekend for the child development baby simulator. You know... the realistic doll that's programmed to cry every few hours until you take care of it. The goal is to stop the crying in 2 minutes or less, as the crying gets progressively louder. And yeah, babycakes can get pretty demanding.

It's got sensors for diapers, bottles, motion, and proximity. That would be proximity to Mimi, since she has the corresponding ID sensor strapped to her wrist for the duration - making sure that she is the only one who can respond.

Chucky - as I affectionately call the little shnookems (because of it's horror-movie-like ability to tell when you are alone, or when you're asleep), is programmed to record how long it takes for each response, as well as other things, like letting it's head fall backwards, or if it's shaken or dropped. Yikes.

Mimi's doing great.

But I just want to say that this grandmother thing has been one big crock of false advertising.
A) the baby is butt-ugly.
B) I'm barely aloud to touch it,
and
C) I now have the privilege of parenting a teen WITH A BABY.

That last one comes with the added bonus of explaining eleventy nine times that tonight's sleepover is out of the question not only because of your chores and bedroom status, but BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BABY. People who have babies do not go on sleepovers with their teenage friends. (Hey, I figure we're having a learning experience here - might as well make it realistic, right?)

Welcome to simulated motherhood.

Which is hard enough.

But hey- if they REALLY wanted to make it realistic, that baby would get a mystery rash in the middle of the night, projectile vomit at least twice during the weekend, and have an exploding diaper that requires washing every bit of clothing both of you are wearing.

THAT'S a learning experience.

21 comments:

The Blonde Duck said...

Stopped in to say hello! Your blog is hilarious!

Karen said...

Thank God I'm a better grandmother now than I was years ago when I was working at the high school in town. One of the teenage girls asked me to babysit her "egg" (this was before the simulated dolls) and someone kidnapped the damn thing right off my desk. Poor kid.....I think she got a bad grade for that assignment!

Dave said...

umm, b) applies to a lot of babies, especially if it's a first.

a) applies to all babies but your own

and c) ...well... that's a little overwhelming, isn't it. Makes me terrified now, and I've got a few years to go before that's a worry.

Beverly said...

I think simulated grandmothering is not nearly as satisfying as the real thing. There's nothing like those little arms around your neck and a big wet kiss on your cheek. My little Bubba cried this morning to go to Beeba's (that's me) house, so guess where he is! Of course, he's been asleep on the couch the whole time so he won't even know he was here.

Loralee and the gang... said...

I think this is an Awesome program that the high schools have! (And trust me, I don't like many of them, that's why we homeschool). And super sloppy grandma kudos to you for your support and follow thru! Way to make it realistic - Sleepovers with a baby, oh suuuurrre...

Heather said...

whew, sounds like fun! and i think you should be ALLOWED to take care of the baby.

Annette Lyon said...

I'm so hoping none of my kids ever have to have simulated baby. I might rip off its head.

jjstringham said...

I remember when I had to take the fake baby home. My teacher decided to give me the baby with "colic". It cried every 2 minutes, then every 7 minutes (I could time it). Luckily the batteries went dead before it came time to go to church.

No Cool Story said...

What?! the butt-ugly baby got in the way of the sleepover?
UGH!

Stephanette said...

I love it...we had two yw experience wearing the baby belly and we'll get to have babies at YW soon (and they won't be mine and my counselor's).

I hope that Mimi has tons of fun. My sack of flour got turned into brownies by accident. Baby got mistaken for food storage flour.

Good Luck, Grammy!

It's Just Me said...

dancing through via a couple other blogs. This is sooooo funny! A slap of reality in a plastic screaming package! I love your take on it.

Vern said...

You sound like you know what you're talking about! Have you been a mom before?

Corrine said...

i think they should just loan out local families' children for the weekend...I'd be willing to spare mine for the weekend!!

mormonhermitmom said...

They need to add a vest that leaks so they have to change their shirts three times a day.

Heather of the EO said...

Oh how I love this post. Hilarity. Thank you, I needed that. As you know...

Tami said...

Wow - I didn't know they had anything like that. Do they make the boys take the baby home too? I hope so.

Yvonne said...

That is too funny. Love it.

I love your idea of how to make it more realistic--especially the projectile vomitting.

Jennifer said...

This is so great! I wish they had them at our schools.

Don't worry...when you are a simulated grandmother it is different.

You'll think your real grandbabies are adorable!

Alison Wonderland said...

Awesome and even better for the fact that only the "mommy" can take care of the baby. But you're right, the pooping and puking might really scare them straight.

Fiauna said...

At the end there--the part about making the baby more realistic--no one in this universe, or the next would be able to stop the crying in 2 minutes. I'm a mother of 4. Believe me, most of the time you cannot stop the crying in under 2 minutes. Ha ha, this is too funny.

Kimberly said...

That has got to be one of the most brilliant forms of birth control - hee hee!