Thursday, September 10, 2009

This is NOT Supposed to Happen

alternate title:

You Can't Call Me Paranoid Anymore Now That It's Actually Happened

So last night, The Brain and I were laying in bed snuggled up and barely drifting off to sleep, when I felt a light tickle on my arm.  It sort of sleepily occurred to me that one of us had let our arm hair get a little long, or something, but no biggie right?  Until I felt the tickle again, and it occurred to me that my arm was not actually in contact with his arm, AND THERE WAS SOMETHING TICKLING MY ARM.

As I felt that thought come together in my head, I screamed something unintelligible and the next thing I knew I was standing across the room by the wall, brushing my arm repeatedly, and asking

"is it????  IS IT????"

The Brain - knowing that I have feared exactly this situation for  -well at least the 25 years he has known me - - searched the recently vacated sheets, and found the world's biggest longest legged dusgustingly scary and creepy spider   what he said was some sort of small insect.    The lights were out and he didn't really get a good look at it to know for sure what it was.  Or so he said.    But I think we're both pretty clear on what it was.   Knowing my current state of near hysteria, however, he refused to say it out loud, for fear I would go off the deep end of the hysteria diving board, and land at the bottom of the pool.

  And also I think he knew that  he would never get back to sleep if he said aloud the phrase "Yes, there was a spider in our bed" or anything like unto it.

Anyway, being the true hero he is,  he actually killed that giant spider unidentified bug that shall remain nameless WITH HIS BARE HANDS and carried it to a watery grave in the bathroom.

*swoon*

After which he turned on the lights, and patiently shook out every sheet and blanket in an attempt to demonstrate that it really might be possible to actually get back into that same bed with those same sheets and think about going back to sleep.   And he almost had me, too.
Until he looked up to check the ceiling.

THE CEILING!?!!?

Which gave my paranoia a whole new level.


It's a good thing he loves me.  It was a long night.

39 comments:

Dave said...

wow. a bona-fide hero!!

he went to greater lengths to reassure you then i would have. although keeping the id of the bug ambiguous was definitely well played. i've had to use that move on occasion

so, did you scream something unintelligible?
or something unrepeatable :-)

and, did you ever end up getting any sleep?

Kevin said...

It is pretty creepy pinching a live spider between your fingers. I kept thinking 'Will I be able to keep holding on if it bites me?'

Dave said...

LOLOL kev

yeah, those spider fangs can be vicious.

holding on to a tarantula when they bite you is pretty hard. the fangs on those guys are like 1cm long.

but i'm sure the fangs on the spider you squished were much smaller. maybe even so small they would only tickle your arm

Kristina P. said...

I could imagine this situation with me and my husband. Except my husband would be the one screaming like a girl, and I would have to rush in and save him.

Jennifer said...

WOW...that reminds me of a boat, a lake and a flash light...........

GO KEVIN!!

Tay said...

*also* my fear. Yuck!! My reality, however, would be my husband not being coherent enough to do anything to help. :)

aubrey said...

The other day I was cleaning out our freezer, sitting on the kitchen floor. (we have a side-by-side) When I stood up, there was a dead spider on the floor where I had been sitting.

Yeah. I killed it WITH MY BUTT. I might never wear those shorts again. good thing fall/winter is en route.

Barbaloot said...

You're probly gonna have to get a canopy bed now. That way spiders can't fall from the ceiling.

Jillybean said...

My husband would have killed the spider, but then he would have chased me around the room, trying to make me look at it.

JustRandi said...

I didn't think it was possible for me to be even MORE creeped out by this, but you guys are doing your best.
Dave - i have no idea what I screamed - you should ask kev. and I take NO responsibility for whatever it was

Kev- ewwww don't tell me stuff like that!

Dave - really? Was that really necessary?

Kristina- you're a true hero. I think I might pass out

Jenny- Oh. My. Gosh. I think that very incident is where my entire phobia comes from. Only that spider really WAS huge!
We know what we saw.

Tay - I admire you like I admire Kristina! I couldn't do it.

Aubrey - BURN THE SHORTS

Barb- genius! pure genius!

Jilly- It is never a good idea to chase a hysterical woman with a spider. I would cause more bodily harm than a spider ever could.

Melissa said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only person with this sort of phobia. Your post gives me the heebie jeebies!

Emmy said...

Oh scary! I would have felt spiders on myself all night long. Glad he took care of it for you.

Anonymous said...

YIKES!!!!!!

Hope4Hannah said...

YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chief said...

Holy canoles batman! nope cool! I would not have made it through the night and I may not make it through the night tonight after hearing the story! I am sure the spider was huge BTW

Yvonne said...

Spiders are creepy--Hooray for a brave husband ; ) Definitely a keeper.

Stacey said...

Ew,Ew,Ew!!!! I don't like spiders and I will KILL them!

One time I was sitting on the carpet and I leaned back on my hands. When I lifted up my hand there was a dead spider on my palm. I have been traumatized ever since.

Now I have the heebie-jeebies.

bsu fam said...

Uck! I'm glad that you had someone to come and save the day for you. This way you will be tired enough that you won't have time to think about it before you fall asleep tonight.

Nancy Face said...

EEEEEK!!!

Loralee and the gang... said...

Ok, I have 5 brothers, no sisters, and a very fearless mom. So as a kid, if a spider showed up, the word was, YOU are bigger than the spider, so you just smash it! I use the same logic on my kids.
Call me heartless...
:~D
...OK... after re-reading this, maybe my MOM was scared of spiders, and that's why she made us kill them! hhmmmmm

Sue said...

My sister lived in Germany for 2 years where they don't have screens on the windows. They have Lots of schpeeners (misspelled German word for spiders) inside everywhere. My sister HATES spiders as much as you do and when she complained at a hotel that there were schpeeners in her room they were all like "so what? just schpeeners? who cares about schpeeners?" Weird Germans...

Brenda Susan said...

Oh you poor thing! The ceiling is the worst to wonder about isn't it? Ugh!

dougbay said...

eww ewwwwwwwww EWWWWWWWWWWW ewWWwwwwW1!!!!!!!!

ew

The Mom said...

Okay, now I am itching everywhere. I feel them all over! Stop it!

Kerri said...

Ever since seeing an episode of Night Gallery about an earwig being placed in someone's ear, I have slept with my hair pulled over my ear. No kidding - my husband says I pull it over my ear even in my sleep when I roll over. So I'm with ya, Sister!! My motto about bugs of any kind: Stay outta my house and don't you DARE touch me!!
You are married to a hero!

Sue Q said...

Now, I don't love spiders to the point that I would like to share my bed with them, but I DID have a class pet Tarantula in fourth grade. Her name was Fuzzball, and we used to take her out of her glass case and pass her around during reading time as we all sat around listening to our teacher read aloud from "The Great Brain", and if I think about it long enough, I can still remember the feeling of her hairy legs walking carelessly up our arms and into our hair...

Whoops. That was probably a little bit too much information. Still, I would not have enjoyed that same experience thirty years later in bed, and in the dark. I certainly don't blame you for screaming!

Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

Omygosh, I saw that same show that Kerri saw with the earwig! I've been freaked out ever since...

Totally with you on the post! Thank goodness you live with a true hero!

Stopping by from SITS to say hello!

mormonhermitmom said...

Great. My spine is tingling now. Can I tell you how much this post bugs me?

Corrine said...

i woke up once in the morning, walked intothe bathroom and looked at my swollen tired face and thought "who took a magic red marker and drew crazy lines on my face?" then I realized no one would of donethat. I couldn'tfigure out what was wrong until I went into myroom to make my bed and there lying on thepillows were the remains of a spider that my head smoshed in the night...though his legs sure left their poinsous mark on my face. glad i have lived to tell that story....and sorry about your rough night.

Lacie E. said...

Welcome to sits!!! Oh my gosh he is a true hero for sure!! I had a similar scary moment but mine was while sitting outside on my porch and i looked up and saw this clear kind of yellowy colored spider and it was huge and had a huge bump on its back I reached up and smacked it with my shoe and then ran screaming....it splattered everywhere and was soooo nasty. And the guts stayed there till m hero of a husband washed it all off then sprayed for spiders lol

Carrie said...

OH. MY. GOSH. How am I going to sleep in my room in the creepy basement tonight? This is so my nightmare! I check the sheets every night (seriously!) and do a quick scan of the room and in the morning I turn on the light (always a little worried that there'll be a spider on the lamp!) and check inside my slippers before I put them on. This is a must as my slippers have been violated before. I'm pretty proud of you though that you got back in the bed, I think I would have had to change the sheets. At least.

beckers said...

The Brain is such a sweet hero!!!

Stephanie Faris said...

Ugh! My big fear is crickets. I hope my boyfriend would kill one if it came along! I saw one today when I was out shopping and I walked WAYYYY around it.

goddessdivine said...

"Willing to bravely kill/get rid of spiders" is a must have on my list of qualities for a hubby.

It would take me days to be able to sleep in that bed again.

Cherie said...

Thank goodness for brave husbands.

That happened twice after we moved into our house years ago - it was new construction which brought out all the spiders.
I also found a black widow in the bathroom in the middle of the night - another story.

Right now I have two wasps in my house.

hate bugs and flying things.....ick!

Glad you lived to tell the story!

Heather of the EO said...

Just the other day I was standing on the lawn talking to a neighbor when something tickled my lower back as it maneuvered it's way past the waistband on my jeans. I did a ridiculous dance while trying to reach in and swipe it away. Then I had spider goo on my hand and walked away from said neighbor, nearly in tears.

FUN.

Spiders are lame.

Sorry there was one in your bed. Ew.

Stephanette said...

My fear, too. I woke up in high school with this situation at 2 AM and woke the entire house up because I stripped the entire bed and washed and dried the one set of sheets that would fit the odd size thing.

My mom promised me that it would never happen again if I would make my bed everyday and that carried me into marriage with a beautiful bed every morning.

jjstringham said...

You won't let me comment on your more recent post. Rude.

I was going to say that I've been waiting, waiting, waiting and just assuming you were at that leadership whatever thingee with your ward you had mentioned. But apparently you're just ignoring us all.

Rude.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

You are hilarious. And I'm so glad you had a prince charming for the dragons at hand. :)