Exiled

Last year when I took down the Christmas tree (by myself) (I know! Poor me, right?) I noticed that I really like some of my ornaments more than others.
And don't hate me for saying this, but the little tin-foil-covered-cardboard-then-scribbled-on ornaments that the kids made at some Mom's Day Out program when they were 3ish, are neither meaningful to me nor are they beautiful. The kid doesn't remember making it, and frankly if it didn't have the name and year on the back, he or she would not even know that those ornaments were here because of him/her.

So I decided to make a new plan. I didn't throw anything away, I just sorted the ornaments according to how much I enjoy seeing them on the tree.

You know...

• back of the tree
• sides of the tree
• top
• bottom
• front and center

And I put it all away.

...So fast forward to this year during Forced Family Fun night  when I handed each kid a box and told them where the ornaments were to be hung....

(This is starting to sound like I have too much time on my hands, isn't it? Look, I had to take down the tree either way, and since no one was helping, I had plenty of time to think about it.)

It didn't take long for them to figure out what was going on.

It quickly became a contest to see who had the most ornaments in the back of the tree box, complete with (good natured) taunting and counting. 

*sigh*

At least they stopped complaining about how long Family Night was taking.

And the tree looks pretty good.

It's a good thing I didn't break out the box of ornaments that didn't actually make it on the tree at all. I'm pretty sure the taunting would have gone to a whole new level.

We Have A Winner!

My family loves to play games.
Here's the game I'm bringing to Thanksgiving this year!

 It's like Bingo, but with things that will make you laugh and wince at the same time.  In case you can't read them (I know the lettering is small, but it's easier at the Milko site) some of the bingo spots are:

Help Dry Dishes
Antacids
Choking
Broken Dinnerware
Green Beans
Go for a Walk
Sore Subject
Blown Diet
Belch
Test Grandpa's Patience
Kiss Somebody
...and the list goes on.


 I think it's hilarious! And it's all going to happen either way.  Might as well get it all out there, right?  I'll just let everyone print their own cards, and have at it.

I love it when my family gets together, but it's exhausting. It's not that we're all that crazy. (Present company excepted, of course) We're just a LOT of people. We like to do everything together, and we like to keep very busy.. All 35 of us.

This year, my brother who is the organizer extraordinaire, is having us all over to his house in the country, where he has has all kinds of things planned:
Our own Turkey Trot 5K
Family Turkey Bowl
pheasant hunting
shopping
paintball
trail runs and hikes
games (rock band, anyone?)
mountain biking
BYU game in high def
bonfires
and of course a HUGE dinner.  Probably more than one.

He even hooked up his old oven in his garage so he can cook 2 turkeys at a time.

(is my sister-in-law a saint?  why yes, yes she is!)

See, the thing is, we're in denial about how big we are. It just doesn't really occur to anyone that if you take 35 people to the movie theater, we are probably not going to be able to sit together.And then we're all totally annoyed through the whole movie, which completely cracks me up.

My family is SO excited to go!

Anyway, I thought you might like to have the link and the idea for your own Thanksgiving this year!

You're Welcome, and uh, good luck!

What Exactly Does "Barred For Life" Mean, Anyway?

 (why isn't there a font for "air quotes"?  You knew those were air quotes in the title, right?)

Yesterday I went to Lowe's to look at area rugs.  When the sisal rug we have in our family room started fraying right in the middle of the rug (in front of the couch) I knew that it was inevitable.  But now that it has actual holes in it where the fraying areas used to be, it's really time, and I have already searched at several carpet stores.

This information really has nothing to do with my story, but now that you already have it, you might as well know that I have not been able to find a suitable replacement rug.  Apparently I'm pretty picky about rugs.

As long as I'm rambling, I'll tell you that I walked straight in to the Lowe's Christmas trap, and got stuck right there in front of the store for about 15 minutes looking at Christmas trees, ornaments, and all the whatnots that were there.

And by the time I remembered that I was not actually there to look at holiday things, I was in the middle of the Halloween aisle.   I love Halloween.    But I was only halfway down the aisle because one of those life-sized, animatronic butlers was at the other end.  And I was pretty sure it was motion activated.  I was making sure I stayed a good 30 feet away, and marveling at the power I was giving to a decoration to seriously creep me out.

I think I even shivered a little

And when I was done scaring myself by being so close (seriously! 30 feet!!) to the creepy butler dude, i turned around and almost had heart failure, because this big scary "zombie-type" guy had appeared out of nowhere and was standing VERY close to me.  Before he could even utter the words "Can I help you find something?"  I was already in mid-scream.  Not one of those yelpy things, either.  Seriously. Creeped. Out.   Remember?

He apologized... I'm pretty sure he didn't know for what.

I apologized for being startled...  and for thinking he was a zombie.

Which he didn't find nearly as funny as I did.

I did not look at area rugs.  Instead, I'm pretty sure every employee in the store watched me try to find an exit (stupid Lowe's) as I hurried out of the store. 

So I guess the question is, - -
When you're barred from an establishment for life, does someone actually SAY something?  Or is it more implied?

What Moms REALLY Want

Top ten list of what moms REALLY want for Mother's Day according to this site:


10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a Coke without any “floaters.”

9. To have my 14-year-old answer a question without rolling her eyes in that “Why is this person my mother?” way.

8. Five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty.

7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a “Hi ya, Mom!” just as I put razor to my ankle.

6. A full-time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt.

5. For my teenager to announce, “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!”

4. A grocery store that doesn’t have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.

2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and not have some pencil-neck-yuppie-geek moan, “Oh, no! Why me?”

1. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

Is This Mean?

I admit it. About 10 years ago I ran out of patience with the normal April Fool's Day pranks from the under age 10 set.

"There's a spider in your hair! Ahahaha... gotcha again!"

I had 4 youngish kids, and ugghhh. I'd done it for 12 years already. I just couldn't take another round. So that year I told my kids that it wasn't April 1st. The date was actually March 32. You know, because we had to make up for the missing days in February.

And they bought it.

And they wrote March 32 on all their school papers. And they went all day long thinking that April Fool's Day was tomorrow.


.

.

.

They still think they were CHEATED out of the holiday that year.

But I think it was the Best April Fools Joke EVER.

Friday Flair- Love in the Air

And my personal favorite:



yeah, I made that one!

A Little Free Advice

Note to The Brain: No matter what Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly tell you, do NOT, under ANY circumstances make a phone call to the Vermont Teddy Bear company for Valentine's Day. Seriously. Speaking for women who don't like real animals... There's an extreeeeeemely high probability we don't like fake ones either.


How many of us ever thought I would "dis" advice from my cbff Glenn Beck?

I think I'd better go lie down.

My Vacation In Flair

Last week, I went here to visit! It seems like I go here a lot, doesn't it?

Probably because I do.

We got to visit with my family, which was really fun!
<--------I'm pretty sure they all think it's me.


I mean, after all... right?








We got to hike to the top of a really steep trail, which took the whole morning. There was a guest book you could sign at the time and everything, so you KNOW it was a real hike. If you ever find that same mountain, don't look for my name in the guestbook, though, because I asked The Brain to sign in for me. I think he used one of his usual pseudonyms; M. Mouse, Ronald Reagan, or his current trendy favorite Barack Obama.
I have no idea how many wedding reception books I let him sign for the first few years of our marriage before I caught on to the fact that he was doing that. I just picture those poor brides wondering if they have the beginnings of dimensia because they just can't remember Mr. and Mrs. Monty Python attending their reception.





The hike was fun, but you knew I was an outdoorsy person already, right?
(yes, I made this one!!)








Anyway, I got to see this for the first time ever!








But it looked more like this the day we were there






Hey! If you ever get a chance to ride THIS you should do it! There's a real Polar Express train operated by the Grand Canyon Rail Road in December. My parents took the whole family as a Christmas gift and it was so darn fun. We wore our jammies and they gave us hot chocolate, cookies, and we sang Christmas carols while the conductor punched our tickets. The kids were completely enthralled, and you know me and trains. I am all about a good train ride!



On the way home, Santa came through and gave everyone one of these!






When it came time for this, I thought about it.... But then I came to my senses.













Sort of sums up resolution making in one succinct phrase, doesn't it?

Christmas Cards

Don't expect a Christmas card from me this year.

Or ever, really.

I think I've finally crossed that little item off my all encompassing Christmas To Do list for the last time. And I didn't even have to do it in order to cross it off.

This is my week to make the annual DO Or Die list. See, I write down all the things I still have to do, and schedule them out for the number of days I have left before Christmas. Then each day, I get whatever I can done, and I cross off the rest - done or not. Nothing moves to tomorrow's list EVER. Because tomorrow already has it's own list that can't be accomplished, thankyouverymuch.

Christmas cards got crossed off last Thursday, as reality and I squarely collided over all the things that were left to do.


Add to that the fact that we received a Christmas card in the mail yesterday that went so far beyond TMI that we laughed for 20 minutes solid. I'll spare you. But just know that I now have everyone in that family's shoe sizes.
But I just wonder WHY, people? I've decided that Christmas Cards are for people who don't blog. It's the only other socially acceptable way to get TMI out to a large number of people that you may or may not be friends with.


So pretty much, this is the only card anyone will see from me this year:

Merry Christmas!

And I do hope your Christmas is wonderful!

If She Has A Blog, I'm Definitely the Topic Today

Last night I attended The Brain's office holiday party. It was a dinner at a nice restaurant for about 10 people and their significant others. I'll tell you right now, I usually dread these things. You know, I take my duties as a trophy wife pretty seriously, so there's a little bit of pressure.

And plus, I like meeting everyone, but then they start loading people up on free alcohol. I mean, nothing says Merry Christmas like a roomful of people with very large wine glasses, right?

For me the evening usually deteriorates about 30 minutes into the function, where everyone is holding their second or third refill, and they are just barely starting to bring out the appetizers. (Read: lots of alcohol + no food = people who are starting to think they're hilarious.)

But last night I was in rare form. I liked the way my hair looked (you know how important that is, right?) And I ordered a root beer, which I never do, so I don't know... maybe I was a little sugar buzzed, myself. But I was really holding my own. I found some interesting people to talk to, I was witty, fun, and people actually laughed at my jokes. (That's right - read: sugar + no food = I am hilarious.)

I even found the last person in America that didn't know about Twilight (book or movie) and talked to her a little bit about sharing the book with her 12 year old daughter who likes mythical creatures, but hates to read, AND HAS NEVER HEARD OF THE BOOK. ... Right, lady.

(I'm guessing she's going to get up this morning and tell her daughter about this fun new book for them to read together, and her daughter is going to roll her eyes and do one of those V8 conks on her head and say, "MOOOOM! I have been talking about that book for a year now, and I have seen the movie with my friends 5 times!! Look at me! Do you SEE the Mrs. Edward Cullen T-shirt I am wearing?")

But anyway-

The big snafu ... and you knew it was coming, right? ...came during dinner. I was seated across from a different woman who was about my age. And I know this because she has a 17 year old son that she talked about for a really loooong time. So she has to be somewhere around my age is all I'm saying. She's not like 22 or anything.

So I'm sitting across from this woman and the servers bring out a large bowl of broccoli spears to be served family style, and her husband takes the biggest helping of broccoli I have ever seen a grown person deposit on a plate, and just tore into it. Then he started saying how great the broccoli was. Over and over and over again. Best Broccoli EVER.

Hey, I'm up for some good broccoli, so I helped myself - along with everyone else on our end of the table. But the guy just kept talking about the broccoli.
I laughed and said to the woman, "I guess you don't cook a lot of broccoli at home."

I don't know, doesn't that sound innocent to you?

Because her face fell, and she said "Well, I don't cook anything. I can't really cook. I've only been married 3 weeks." And you guys she was completely serious. And she was a little offended and made a half hearted attempt to justify the face that she is over 40 and doesn't know how to cook broccoli.

And you'd think that could be the end of it, but then, THEN she started making fun of me for being old fashioned and assuming that women always cook. And furthermore she doesn't ever do any of the cooking because SHE works and doesn't get home till 6 pm. And she wouldn't let it go.

Ummm, OK. Apparently, not everyone is a happy drunk.

Was there anything I could have said to fix it that? Because I just sort of smiled and agreed that wow getting home at 6 is late for cooking dinner. And YEAH, especially after you actually WORK all day.... Oh my!

Whatever. My only defense against being blog fodder today, is that I can't imagine she has a blog. She was way too uptight for that.

But lady, if you're reading this, I'm betting you've got one heck of a hangover today. I really hope your head feels better soon. You know, sort of.

Farewell Santa

One of my favorite family traditions is our Santa Picture. Every year we trek over to the mall and wait in line to get the kids' picture taken. I have a pictorial journal of my kid's growing up and I love it!

You might think that my kids would get too old for this, and yes there have been years (and many of them) where bribery and threats were involved. But one thing that's made the past 8 years a lot easier is the Santa that has been employed at our mall.

He reminds me a little bit of the Santa in Miracle on 34th street. - the good version from 1947, because a) his hair and beard are real, and 2) he actually likes kids.

I know, what a concept, right?

The first year we saw him, he had the kids sit for the obligatory picture, and then my little girls wanted to talk with him, of course. Buddy and Hannah had proclaimed themselves too old to need a private moment with the big guy. So Santa listened carefully to Mimi and Lizzie, and asked them some pertinent questions about how good they'd been.



After they'd finished and we were standing there waiting for our picture to print, he motioned for Hannah to come back and talk to him.

I couldn't hear what they said, but she had a genuine smile on her face, so I wasn't too worried about it. Then he wanted to talk to Buddy, so this time I moved in closer to eavesdrop on what the heck was going on.

He shook Buddy's hand (and kind of held onto it) and told him that he was a great guy, and his parents were really proud of him and the things he was doing. He asked a question or two about school, and then gave him a pep talk about how important school and grades are, and how the choices we make every day - even in the little things - determine the person you will be.

Oh. My. Goodness.
I loved that guy.

Two things occurred to me at that point. First, I realized why the line moved so slowly - if he really took that much time with everyone. And second, I don't care how long that line is, we would wait in it every single year.

And every year, I've been more convinced that if there IS a real Santa, this is the guy.


Santa isn't there this year.

Oh, there's some guy wearing red pants sitting there, but Santa is gone.

You know, for a guy I've only ever seen 8 times, I'm really going to miss him. I know he was just a man doing a job, but I have to appreciate a man who's willing to really give it everything.
He could have just sat there shoving candy canes at kids all day long, getting paid exactly the same hourly rate, and it would have been much less effort. But instead he took the time to care, and to make the world a little bit better place.

I've never been a big fan of Hillary Clinton, but even before her book was written, I believed that it really does take a village to raise a child. Every single person who is willing to make a little difference in the life of a child can have an impact. Even a department store Santa.



I'll miss that guy.

A Christmas Miracle For Only $18.99

I'm still working on Christmas decorations, just so ya know. I'm sure there'll be more posts coming on that, what with it being such a scintillating topic and everything.

I always dupe myself into thinking this will be a one or 2 day job. And then it always ends up looking like my house exploded for about a week. Why is that?

Oh, yeah.... the lights. Everything I decorate with has some sort of lights associated with it.

But I have spectacular news via Heather, whom I will love forever for telling me about:

da ta da: (that was the trumpets)

The Light Keeper Pro

which you can apparently get at any Home Depot in Colorado, and I don't have any idea how long these have been on the market, but oh my goodness YOU NEED ONE!

This gun performed 4 different Christmas miracles at my house last night, thus saving me several more hours of delighting (unlighting?) and then relighting trees and garlands.

Are you hearing me? IT FIXED THE LIGHTS!!!

I'll just come right out and tell you that I have 14 Christmas trees. Some of them are tiny, and most of them I don't decorate, but every single one of them has lights. Because I'm all about the lights, people. .. .. .. (OK I despise the lights for the first few days of December while I get them all working, and THEN I'm all about the lights.)

I don't know how the gun works. Something about sending out an electrical impulse that fixes connections blah blah blah

I say let's not spoil the magic by getting all technical. Just enjoy the wonder of it all. I mean, it can't bring back the dead or anything, but it did save 4 different strings of my lights that apparently were in a severe coma.

And now you too can buy your very own little Christmas miracle for only $18.99 at Home Depot.

Every. Single. Year

Next November, would someone PLEASE remind me not to make a giant build up for Family Christmas Tree Decorating Night, until after I've gotten the trees out of storage?

A whole week's worth of shameless plugging, bribing, and reminding - - completely wasted last night, when we brought out the

(Ahhhhhh... [that's the choir singing]...hhhhhhhh)

only to plug them in and find that YET AGAIN half of the lights aren't working. And since I am the only person at my house who thinks it's important for all the lights to be actually working, you know, before you put the decorations on there... (can't we just do that part later, mom?) Well let's just say it slowed down the decorating party. By about 3 hours.

It's only happened to me for the last 24 years in a row, but let's not call me a slow learner, ok? I prefer the term "stubbornly optimistic".

The Family Decorating Party will be continued with everyone who doesn't have work or singles ward fhe or swim practice tonight.

I'm pretty sure that means I'm doing it by myself.

At Least I Hope I Got Him Something Good!

The Brain: Hey I stopped by Home Depot today on the way home to pick up those drawer slides you asked for. While I was there I saw something I've really been wanting, and it's on a killer sale.

Me: ... (wondering where this is going)...

The Brain: So I bought it.

Me: ...(blank look)...

The Brain: For you to give me for Christmas.

Me: ... Oh...

The Brain: I hid it in the garage so you don't have to worry about it.




Me: You want to tell me what it is?


The Brain: Nah. . . I want it to be a surprise.

I Found an Elf!

I just heard that Oprah is giving away 8 great Christmas songs for free! But only for 48 hours, so head on over now!

It almost makes me think about possibly maybe discontinuing the Oprah boycott I started when she went all political endorsing Obama, and then said she wasn't having Sarah Palin on her show because she didn't want to be political.

Almost.

Hey, and thanks for the amazing suggestions for music! I have so much to find!

Where are the Elves When I Need Them?

I just want a little stack of Christmas music delivered to my bedside table in the night. Is that too much to ask?


I need Christmas Music!!


I'm tired of what I've got, and I haven't had anything new for yeeeeeears. Well, I did get Josh Groban's album last year and I love it.


SO here's the thing - - I listen to so much talk radio that I've officially become an OLD person, and I don't even know who I like to listen to anymore.

My celebrity BFF Glenn Beck hasn't put out a Christmas Album yet, though I am looking to purchase it as soon as he does.

(Or maybe I'd rethink that after hearing him sing. I wonder if not being able to sing would disqualify his CBFF status?)

(Probably not.)

(Incidentally, his book The Christmas Sweater was great, and is going into my Must Read Every Year collection!)

(I wonder if I could use more parenthesis here?)

(probably not.)

I'm pretty eclectic, though, and generally enjoy most anything but rap.
Becky thinks I should list some of my favorites, so here they are:
Kenny Loggins December
Carpenters Christmas Portrait
Kenny and Dolly Once Upon a Christmas
Garth Brooks The Magic of Christmas
Josh Groban Noel
Time Life Christmas Treasury
Anything by John Denver, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and Manheim Steamroller

What's your very favorite Christmas album? C'mon, put on your elf hat and tell me what's good!

Maybe More Push-Ups Would Help

I have a thing about driving shopping carts. I rarely let my kids do it, because when they were younger, almost without exception they would "accidentally" run into the back of me with the cart. Come to think of it, the number of times it happened? Maybe it was more than accidental. I mean, how many times can you run into someone's heels, apologize profusely and sincerely, and then do it all over again, before the person catches on? Apparently more than a few.

Anyway - I finally got to the point where if one of my children was/is driving the shopping cart (and come to think of it, why are they always behind me?), I will subconsciously hold my arm out behind me as I walk through the store, so as to protect my heels and my behind from being accosted. I think of it as sort of a reverse "talk to the hand".

They still feign innocence, too.

"Jeesh, mom! WHY are you walking like that? It's not like I'm going to hit you. Again. "

Uh-huh. I fell for that one a few times, too.

SO yesterday I was in Costco, driving my own shopping cart (thankyouverymuch), trying to finish up my Thanksgiving shopping before it got too crowded. I'm glad I went before it got too crowded, because I was imagining what it would have been like if it had been actually crowded,and I don't think you would have been able to fit any more carts into the store. So that was good.

About halfway through my trip, I had this overwhelming urge to walk with my hand out behind me. I think it was intuition or something, because you have to know that between all the elderly people who were in there, and all the kids who were running around (and what were kids doing there at 1pm I ask?) it just felt - you know- a little tight. And also like people were paying way more attention to getting a sample of the 3 cheese ravioli than to the direction of their shopping carts.

Turns out the hand thing wouldn't have helped, because the 20ish year old extremely muscular guy who DID scrape the skin off my heel with his cart had one of those flatbed things which I obviously could not have defended with the old arm-sticking-out-behind-the-back move.

He apologized profusely, saying he had no idea the cart was that heavy and just couldn't get it slowed down in time.

I looked from his sincere face, to the shirt he was wearing that proudly proclaimed "Personal Trainer", to his mom (I'm pretty sure it was his mom) who was with him, and we all busted out laughing.


I have now been officially inaugurated into the holiday shopping season. And I have the ankles to prove it.

Friday Flair - Halloween!

And an oldie, but a goodie:

Happy Halloween!