Friday, December 17, 2010

Miracles

I've been feeling like I should post for several weeks (ok months) now.  I mean, I know how unfair it is to just leave you hanging and everything. I've probably started a hundred posts over the last couple of months, and none of them have said what I really felt.  ...probably because what I really feel changes every single day - sometimes even by the minute.

But let me at least get you caught up.

We are counting down -- we're 11 days from the induction date.  Hannah looks and feels really great, but as anyone who has been 9 months pregnant will remember, she is getting really really REALLY ready to be done.

I'm torn.

When people talk about adoption being a true gift from God, they are usually talking about adoptive parents who are searching for a miracle.  And it IS a miracle for many of them.
I think a birth mom also gets a miracle. She gets to know that her baby is going to be taken care of in the very best home she can find, with the very best parents she can find, and she gets the chance to choose a different path for her life. It's a miracle all the way around, and I am incredibly grateful for it.

Having said that, it's also the most painful thing I've ever dealt with.

If I hadn't met Jolene in person, I'm pretty sure I would be under sedation right now.

 (that's The Brain, me, Hannah, and Jolene)

But I love her.  And she loves Hannah, and wants her to have a part in her family too.  And she and her husband are so excited to have this brand new baby come to her family.  And even though it will leave a giant hole in my heart, it's right.

I know in my head that it's the right thing.  And I've been searching for peace to my heart. Most of my searching is done at 3 in the morning staring at the ceiling,  - but last week in the temple, I had this thought that maybe I was praying for the wrong thing. Maybe finding peace in my heart isn't nearly as important as Hannah and Jolene finding and keeping the peace in their hearts. So that is my new prayer.  And if you want send a few prayers out for them, that would be great too.


I'm sure that one day we will look back on this and feel all the joy that we're feeling right now without feeling all the pain.  That day is what keeps me hanging on.



It IS a miracle.

47 comments:

Lucy (aka RHarper) said...

So hard. ((hugs))

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Perhaps this is why the whole experience is so atonement-like, there is a descending that is so deep and heavy. Wishing all of you the peace and healing and rising above that you need.

I read this post recently that was from a grandmother's point of view and found it very profound and powerful. It may or may not be of interest to you, so I'll pass it along:

http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/2010/11/17-guest-blogger-my-mommy.html

Barbaloot said...

I've definitely missed you and noticed you were gone.

I can't imagine all the emotions involved in what you and your family are going through right now. I hope it's a wonderful holiday season and that Hannah, Jolene AND you all are blessed with feeling peace.

Celeste said...

What a wonderful post. You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers. You're right...it really is all a miracle.

jjstringham said...

I'm so glad you posted! I missed you!

It will be hard, but you'll get through it. You can do hard things. And eventually you'll get a grandbaby that you can keep until it needs a diaper change and you can give it right back to its mommy and know that you'll get to see a non-stinky version of it again very soon.

Prayers for you all (I'm thinking Heavenly Father is talented enough that he can handle requests for both Hannah and Jolene as well as you too).

Momof5 said...

Beautiful. You're just a real lady with real kids and a real life with real emotions that is just that on her blog - real. What an amazing blessing for this child to know later how very much he/she is loved by so many! God bless you and your daughter! Hugs to you through this emotionally draining time!

Annette Lyon said...

People talk about the miracle, and it is.

But I always think that adoption is the single most courageous act a young woman can do. She's taking a piece of her heart and entrusting it with someone else. Hannah deserves to be honored for what she's doing--and you're doing that for her here.

The Mom said...

Hannah is giving the most selfless gift a person could ever give. Hugs and prayers to her, and to you.

Salt H2O said...

A big ditto to all the comments.

Thank you for sharing, and thank you to your daughter for letting you share. She's obviously a very strong person.

Em-Cat said...

Having so many loved ones and friends on the receiving end of adoption, it's nice to hear about a family on the giving end. Your sweet Hannah is sacrificing so much of herself to bring this baby into the world and what an amazing gift. Though I've never been involved in adoption, I know my friends and family who have, truly love and are in awe of the birth mothers who give so much, but I've also found that it's a blessing to those birth moms as well. Hugs and prayers coming your way. The Savior is with you.

Love,
Em

P.S. Nice to hear from you again.

mormonhermitmom said...

Life with loving family is the best gift.

(Hugs)

Stephanette said...

This is one of those situations that always have me wishing I was far more eloquent than I am...so I will say:

A prayer for you and your family, Hannah, & Jolene and hers. I have been thinking of you and wishing only the best for all involved. Those lessons that tear me in two tend to be the lessons that leave me most fulfilled on that day that I can look back and past the pain.

Good Luck!

Heather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather said...

Thinking of you all. Praying for peace, joy and anything else you all might need. Merry Christmas!

Sarah said...

This touches my heart so deeply, probably in part because I am an adoptive mother. The circumstances of our adoption are so very different and the biological family of my daughter has no role to play in her life.
How fortunate for this child that he/she has two loving families! I can only imagine how difficult this has been for all of you. But, as an adoptive parent, let me reassure you that your daughter is changing someone's life. Is filling up the empty holes in someone's heart. Is giving the greatest gift humanly possible. I will pray for her and for you. Peace is hard to come by, and sometimes bittersweet. But it will come.

goddessdivine said...

((Hugs))

You will be in my prayers.

I admire you. That's all. If we don't see/hear from you, have a Merry Christmas. ;-)

Kristina P. said...

My goodness, I don't think I remembered this was going on. I have been thinking about this a lot, and how I would have felt if my sister had placed. She chose to parent at 16.

I would have been supportive, but it would have been so painful and hard. I've been aware of some situations where the extended family has been left out and it's heartbreaking.

sariqd said...

The poster who likened it to the atonement is so RIGHT on! The sacrifice that is being made, the hurt, the frustration... will turn to peace and joy. It may be some time but I just know, it comes.

I too, am an adoptive mother of two. What I'd like to say is this - from what you wrote, Jolene wants Hannah to be a part of this. That is a miracle in itself. That child is going to be so loved! That's about 4 families worth of loving that child when adoption comes into the picture!

Prayers are being said... for Hannah, Jolene & her husband and for you and your family as well.

Yvonne said...

You have been in my thoughts and my prayers. I know how difficult it is. I will definitely be praying for all of you on the day Hannah is induced. (You look so beautiful in the picture and so does Hannah.)

I think you are amazing. You are absolutely right that adoption gives the birth mom a miracle, too.

Hugs to all of you, my friend.

Beverly @ The Buzz said...

It's been said that Heavenly Father doesn't give us more than we can bear. Sometimes I think His idea of what I can handle and mine differ greatly. This is a hard thing you're dealing with. Please find comfort and strength in knowing prayers are being said on your behalf. ((hugs))

Julie Ramsay said...

Still in tears but wanting to send a big hug your way. We'll be praying for a wonderful birth for your daughter and peace in all of your lives. Merry Christmas! xx

Melissa said...

I don't know that I can add to what the others have said. You will all be in my prayers. Hugs to you and I hope that you ALL find the peace and hope that you are searching for!!

beckers said...

I'll add my hugs to those already posted. You guys are amazing, and I love you tons!! There's a really good article in the Ensign this month, about Mary and Joseph, and following Heavenly Father's plan, even when it seems hard and maybe impossible. Can't wait to see you guys in a couple of weeks....we'll be praying for you for sure!

rocslinger said...

I don't kow what to say (write) which is an unusual thing for me.
I can only imagine the difficulties that you and your family are going through.
I just feel the need to add my prayers and well wishes with all the others.

N.F. said...

Where did the one woman get that green purse?! I HEART IT SO MUCH!

:)

Tammy said...

Thanks for sharing Randi. Hannah is in my prayers! I can't even imagine what this experience must be like. Sounds so hard!

Totally off the subject...you look so adorable in that photo. Love your hair!

Vern said...

Doggone it. Sometimes there's stuff even diet coke can't fix. Still, we should try even if I haven't had enough time in my days lately to even go to the bathroom.

LisAway said...

Yeah, it doesn't get a lot harder than this. Thinking of you!

Heidi said...

My sister has adopted two children. One was a closed adoption through LDS social services. The other was through a different agency but she ended up with the child of an LDS gal we used to babysit when she was young. Her mother was our YW advisor when we were in high school. What a blessing it was for that Grandma to know exactly to whom her little grandson was going. She knew our family, she knew my sister, the adoptive mom, and it has been such a great thing. They get to see him regularly. What a very hard time this must have been for you. Hugs!

Kerri said...

I have a nephew who was adopted. An adult now, he is an amazing, facinating young man who walks to the beat of his own wonderful drum. Every time I see him, I smile. Hannah is doing something beyond what most of us ever have the opportunity to do - she's giving a gift that Jolene and her husband might not otherwise have. Blessings to you all as you move forward through this difficult stuff.

Joanne said...

Just want to add my prayers and support to all those that have been added. We are all so blessed by your willingness to share this experience.

How can one experience be so packed with joy and anguish at the same moment?!?! I had no idea that it was possible. I am so grateful for answers to prayers and the peace that comes. Your truly an elect lady.

Super Happy Girl said...

The Mom and Joanne said it all.
(((hugs)))
Merry Christmas.

Dave said...

<3 you, and your entire family. you know dave and nat are praying with you :-)

Just think of the positives. It's like a whole new family of in-laws you can blog about :D

Jennifer said...

(You write beautifully.) I am so impressed that you have the ability to see that the answer is for Hannah to receive. You are a terrific mother...(as your Future Therapy Counter shows.) How wise of you to find your answer in her answer. I will add my prayers to yours, as always. Hannah will know the right thing to do. I will pray for the peace that comes when we do what we feel is right...however difficult that thing is.

As always you are an inspiration to me as a mother. Hang on. You can do things that are hard. (Grandma is helping on the other side I am sure.)

Lee said...

I'm a little late to the party here, but this is a beautiful post.

Gramzer said...

You amaze me.

mindyluwho said...

I just read this and guess that this is right about when things are happening. My heart goes out to you and your family and you are in my prayers.

Putz said...

oh wow, what you go through<><>,.here in utah all my neighborrs have one mom one dad both sealed in the temple and lots of kids born in the covenant and are faced with no problems whatsoever<><>,.so your problem is very strange to me , but must be so so so hard>><<><><>

Corrine said...

I know a little slow in the response, but wanted you to know I am thinking of you, and know you recently brought Hannah home. I can only imagine the mixed emotions involved in adoption.

I have a dear friend that gave a baby up for adoption 5 years ago and she is in touch with her and has an amazing relationship with the adoptive family. Prayers that you will continue to feel comfort through all this!

annie valentine said...

I haven't checked my google reader in a month, so forgive the late comment. This post is beautiful. It touched me, as a mother and a daughter and a girl who at one point wondered if she'd ever have her own children. Thank you for sharing, you are such a wonderful mother.

Millie said...

Bless your dear heart. Nothing but love for you and Hannah. How brave you both seem and how blessed that baby is. <3

i said...

remarkable!

jjstringham said...

So how'd it go? How's everyone doing?

Stephanette said...

Thought of you today and just wanted you to know!

Tammy said...

I miss my favorite blogger. Love ya!

Trisha said...

Randi, I just came across your blog. I know this post was a few months back, but I wonder how everyone is holding up. I think it is amazing what Hannah did. I was faced with that same tough decision 17 years ago but was in different circumstances. Neither choice is easy. I remember listening to the song by Michael McLean over and over and over again while trying to decide what was the right thing for me. It's great that she has such a supportive family and friends for the decision she made, and as you said, I can see that it is truly a miracle for ALL involved. ((HUGS)) to all of you. I'm here if you or Hannah ever want to talk.

jjstringham said...

Ok. I know you weren't in blogger mode to do the whole general conference quote thing, but thought I'd share my favorite quote anyway. I can't remember the exact words, but something to the effect of "as a parent, when can I check a child off my to-do list as done?". Not exactly vinyl lettering worthy, but one I think I maybe asking myself in exasperation a lot "aren't you DONE yet?!?"

Hope everything is well with you and your family. Sending virtual hugs your way.