But let me at least get you caught up.
We are counting down -- we're 11 days from the induction date. Hannah looks and feels really great, but as anyone who has been 9 months pregnant will remember, she is getting really really REALLY ready to be done.
When people talk about adoption being a true gift from God, they are usually talking about adoptive parents who are searching for a miracle. And it IS a miracle for many of them.
I think a birth mom also gets a miracle. She gets to know that her baby is going to be taken care of in the very best home she can find, with the very best parents she can find, and she gets the chance to choose a different path for her life. It's a miracle all the way around, and I am incredibly grateful for it.
Having said that, it's also the most painful thing I've ever dealt with.
If I hadn't met Jolene in person, I'm pretty sure I would be under sedation right now.
(that's The Brain, me, Hannah, and Jolene)
But I love her. And she loves Hannah, and wants her to have a part in her family too. And she and her husband are so excited to have this brand new baby come to her family. And even though it will leave a giant hole in my heart, it's right.
I know in my head that it's the right thing. And I've been searching for peace to my heart. Most of my searching is done at 3 in the morning staring at the ceiling, - but last week in the temple, I had this thought that maybe I was praying for the wrong thing. Maybe finding peace in my heart isn't nearly as important as Hannah and Jolene finding and keeping the peace in their hearts. So that is my new prayer. And if you want send a few prayers out for them, that would be great too.
I'm sure that one day we will look back on this and feel all the joy that we're feeling right now without feeling all the pain. That day is what keeps me hanging on.
It IS a miracle.