Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Life.

I've been reading back-posts from my blog today.
I should be doing all sorts of Christmas-ish things, but instead I've laughed, cried, and rolled my eyes until they feel like they are coming unhinged.  I remembered the person who wrote those posts.  I like her and I kind of miss her.

Let's face it.  2011 has kicked my trash.  We are still recovering from the last year's worth of life developments, and bracing for impact on some things that are coming toward us.  I've felt like I've been through a battle... and while I'm still waiting for the smoke to clear... I think when it all settles I may actually be a better person.

Which is the good news and the bad news.

Because I distinctly remember last year about this time being told more than once that "all these things would give me experience" 
...like that was a good thing. 

And I wondered what the hell the experience was good for, besides just helping other people who would also have the opportunity to "gain experience".  And wouldn't it be more efficient (I thought) to just put a stop to the entire cycle, and just have everyone be happy with no experience whatsoever.
And then it would occur to me that I had heard that plan somewhere before... and then I would shut it out of my head and stop analyzing it entirely.

But as it turns out, while "gaining experience" completely stinks when you are doing it, it does tend to give a person perspective, and empathy and compassion.
(For an amazing post on experience and compassion, read this post from Paul's new blog.)

I will probably always wonder if I did the last year as well as I could have. Being a new seminary teacher this year has given me lots of time to think about the different prophets and their trials. There were many of them who walked head-on into their trials without the benefit of good friends, family, home teachers, Diet Coke, Xanax, or even a  Sonic (*gasp*), and it makes me a little weak in the knees thinking of all the crutches I have needed - to get through, well, nothing really.  I mean, it's just LIFE. -

I look back and see things I should have said differently, things I should have paid more attention to, people's needs I should have been aware of...
but every time I start down that sad little memory lane, one of my favorite running sayings pops into my head:

Run when you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must...
but finish the race.

This year has been a combination of all of the above.  But I am learning to do it better, and DANGIT I will finish this race one way or another. (See?  I've even stopped swearing since paragraph 6.  I'm doing better already!)

Believe it or not, I'm a relatively private person in real life. (I know.... narcissistic AND private. There's a combo you don't see every day!)  I rarely cry or tear up in public. It's here that I allow myself a little bit of public emotion and reflection.

You're so glad you stopped by to witness it, right? ;)

24 comments:

goddessdivine said...

I am glad I stopped by. When I saw you on my reader I had to do a double take....in a good way. ;-)

I've always loved your candidness and honesty. I wish I could give you a hug in person, but this will have to do. So, ((HUGS)).

Just think: Only like 9 more days of 2011 and then you can sign it off, kiss it goodbye, wish it a bon-voyage. Here's hoping 2012 has less moments of being the statue and more of being the pigeon (not that you want to be the one crapping on others; just not the one being crapped on). Also? It's election year--there's some "hope" that we'll get some "change" we can "believe in". ;-0

LisAway said...

What a fantastic post, Randi. And not just because of the chance to see you improve in mere paragraphs (ha!!), but to kind of understand your journey. I'm sorry it has been such a crappy year. I loved reading this and especially recognizing that the easy way is the plan that wasn't chosen. The rewards for this hard way will be so much better, though! Thank you for sharing all this. And Merry Christmas!!

Sarah said...

I'm glad too.

Heather said...

So so glad I stopped by! Hoping a bright and blissful 2012 is in your future.

Barbaloot said...

I'm sorry 2011 wasn't the best of years---I totally get what you mean when you say it'd be nice to just be happy and not have experiences. Are we sure we picked the right plan...? JK

I hope you have a Merry Christmas and 2012 is amazing!!

Jennifer said...

YEA!!!! You're BLOGGING!!! I guess I can stop passing around the petition!
:)

Kristina P. said...

Experience, smexperience. I really hope 2012 is filled with lots of good ones. Merry Christmas!

jjstringham said...

Sorry your 2011 sucked. I'm hoping that your 2012 goes much, much better. And also, I'm hoping that it is filled with much, much blogging. ;)

Yvonne said...

I have that D&C quote memorized but it's still very hard for me to understand. I think I've had enough of THOSE experiences, but for some reason they still keep coming.

Remember how incredibly amazing you are.

LOVE THE RUNNING QUOTE.

And YES, I am so glad I stopped by!!!!!!!

Janell said...

Despite life kicing you around, I am glad you're still alive!

Best wishes for a breezy, boring, and blissful 2012 :)

Paul said...

WOOHOO! No more toilet paper on my screen!

Thanks for the mention! And I'm so glad you decided to post - if only to move that darn roll of toilet paper down the screen. Your legacy SHOULD NOT be toilet paper! I feel strongly about this!

The bottom line is that the Interwebs is a better place with Randi updating her blog!

Connie Babe said...

2011 has been a year from hell for me. i'm sorry it hasn't been great for you. and thank you for that quote...i'm putting it on my blog. even though we're strangers, i hope you have a grand ending to this stinkin' year and here's to a better 2012!

Lee said...

I've missed you. Thank you for this post. I hope they continue as you heal from a hard year.

Vern said...

Once upon a time my sister got pregnant. The baby was Down's. My sister carried her for 38 weeks when the baby stopped breathing, at which point she was forced to deliver her stillborn. It was horrible. I cried like I've never cried before, like a volcano had been living in my lungs for years and finally got REALLY angry.

It's a few years later and my sister has a friend who got pregnant. And the baby had Down's. And the baby died. And my sister (a florist) is doing the flowers for the funeral. Talk about a full circle moment. I was kind of worried about my sister and asked how the experience was going for her. She said it was going surprisingly well, and while this opportunity forced her to revisit some raw emotions that had been dormant for a while, she was shocked to realize just how dormant they had actually been. She was relieved to learn just how much healing she had done.

It takes time. Give yourself credit for how far you've come regardless of whether you've run, walked OR crawled it. And then, when I've endured a brutal year like the one you've had I hope you will hit "copy" and "paste" so I can remember just how capable I am of wisdom when I'm not the one suffering. :)

SO glad to see your post - we've missed you too!

Beverly @ The Buzz said...

Glad to see you back. You've been on my mind a lot lately. I was so excited to see a new post from you! Hope 2012 is a better year and that you can share/vent/rant and that will make you feel better. You've been missed!

Tay said...

Even crawling over that finish line is so worth it. SO WORTH IT. <3

Tenae said...

Missed you. ♥

Julie Ramsay said...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Merry Christmas, Randi. I hope the New Year is full of all the gifts you need.

Stephanette said...

Our trash got kicked this year, too - in ways that seem HUGE to us, but minute to others. It still happened and I have to remind CM that the world isn't out to get us....it's just life and we'll get-ir-done.

I think I'm going to totally vinyl that running saying and put it on our wall. Maybe it'll help me get through!

Dave said...

do you ever run into an old friend at the store and realize they're back in town now after being gone for forever and get so excited and want to just sit and talk to them for a long long time?

this post = that :-)

Joz said...

AH! Best Christmas/New Years present EVER. Welcome back to the world of blogging!! I've been blog-stalking you for months :)

Tammy said...

Yeah! A new post! I love you Randi. Thanks for sharing.

Lara said...

I have been completely ignoring my reader for the last couple months. I opened it today, and prepared for the scary number, but I have to say I was happy to see you had posted.

I'm sorry 2011 was a difficult one, but I did love your post. It gives good perspective to all of us as we go through trials big and small! Here's to a wonderful 2012!