If I Have Anything To Say About It, Both Ben AND Jerry Will Go To H*ll.

It's only taken me about 30 years to figure out that there are certain foods that just can not occupy the same living space as I do. No, really.  I'm not talking about eating when I'm bored or emotional, I'm talking about the foods that actually call to me from wherever I've hidden them, enticing me like a chocolate cupcake with sprinkles in a room full of hungry Biggest Loser contestants.   And I'll tell you right now, I am NO biggest loser!

There is no power in the universe that can stop me from getting to these foods if they're in the house, which is why everything on this list is banned from sitting in my house for more than a few hours at any one time:

movie theater popcorn

my dad's pralines

and Red Swedish Fish

but now THIS.

and DARNIT I can not stop eating it!

I hope there's a special place reserved somewhere for Ben and Jerry. Somewhere that they will never see ice cream again in it's frozen form.

Spescial apology to The Brain:
Honey, you know that pint that you thought was in the basement freezer, waiting for our next date night?  I'm sorry, ok?  Really sorry.  But seriously - cupcake/ biggest loser....  you know there was nothing I could do, right?

How The Kid Survived To Adulthood, I Have No Idea

Buddy walked in to the kitchen yeserday at lunchtime, popped something in the microwave, and casually asked,
"How long would you say McDonalds' food lasts?"

I was distracted and gave a sort of - "depends on what it is"- answer.   Until it kicked into my brain that the microwave was going, and a hungry 23 year guy  - who had not been to McDonalds in recent memory - was asking me about old food. 

Specifically, as it turns out, a McChicken sandwich that had been in his bedroom since last Saturday.

And when I told him that Yeah, I kind of think that's too long, and filled him in on some of the dangers of mayonnaise, he dejectedly took his sandwich out of the microwave and dropped it in the trashcan.

But I have a sneaking suspicion that if I hadn't been standing right there, he would have chanced it.

It's Finally Here!!

Every year in our house we wait with baited breath for that one week of the year we spend our Saturday Mornings dreaming about...

CRAAAAZY CEREAL WEEK!

Yes!!
Craaaazy Cereal Week (an arbitrarily determined week during the summer) is the only week during the year that I will breakdown and buy name brand Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs or WHATEVER. Without a coupon. Even if it's not on sale.

You can see why it's such a celebrated holiday in our house.

Yes, it's a lot of sugar for one week.

But the other 51 weeks a year no one expects, eats, or even ASKS for me to buy sugared cereal. Now really, how many mothers of 4 would you guess can regularly walk down a cereal aisle without batting an eye?

The rules of Craaazy Cereal Week are rigid, yet still leave room for compassion, conservation, and free-trade. (it's like I'm a republican or something!)
Simply put:

1. Everyone chooses any 2 boxes they want on our Monday morning field trip to the grocery store.
2. Each person has total control over their cereal as long as it stays in the kitchen. The 2 boxes may be eaten all in one day, or a little at a time over the 5 day period.
3. No one may eat anyone else's cereal without a pre-agreed equal trade pact.
4. On Saturday of Craaazy Cereal Week, all cereal is fair game, but the normal house cereal rules kick back in, and cereal may only be eaten before 9 am.

See? Easy, fun, and fair. AND only once a year.
I love it!

Day 3 Of My Captivity

I thought I was going to die this afternoon. Things that should be easy little annoyances are insurmountable life tragedies today.

I dropped my phone in a bucket of paint last week, and it still isn't quite right.

It's 92 degrees and I'm too cheap to run the air conditioner.

I've been to the grocery store 3 times today. For 1 item each time.

I've also cried 3 different times. (But not about or at the grocery store. Just in case you were wondering.)

It's possible that giving up caffeine, artificial sweeteners, sugar, and white flour all on the same day was not the most level headed idea I've ever had. But you know me and moderation. It happens about as often as my kids clean their bedrooms without being asked. In other words, about every single time h*ll freezes over. But as you can see, we've got h*ll burning away here today in the Mile High City, with no chance of moderation in the forecast.


That whole dying prediction from this afternoon? I guess it was just wishful thinking.

I don't sound crabby, do I? (You'd better say no. I don't think I can handle a yes.)

You Are Getting Veeerrrry Sleepy

I'm actually giving up caffeine.

I KNOW!

Through a series of events, I feel a little like Alma the Younger being shown the error of my ways. Except that I didn't go into a coma for 3 days or whatever. And there was no angel talking to me. Oh, and I'm pretty sure my dad wasn't praying for me to quit.

But other than that...JUST like Alma.

My brain is foggy, I have no energy, and my head is pounding. (So I said to myself - Hey! Perfect time to write a blog post.)

And just so you know, I'm also giving up sugar, white flour, and starting out my blog posts with the word "So". But only for the next 2 weeks. After that, everything's back on. Well, except maybe the caffiene. Can't forget Alma, can we?

(It's very possible that I was wrong about the coma thing. This post took way too long to write.)

Farewell, Diet Coke! How I'll miss you!

I've gotta go find that Diet Coke and Zingers lady. I heard she gave up the Diet Coke too, and I've been wondering how it's been going for her.

addiction?

I'm not saying I drink a lot of Diet Coke or anything, but the guy at 7-11 knows me by name.

Today I went in for a refill at about 9:30am (which would seem to imply that I had already had a "fill". But it was actually an older cup from a few days ago.) But anyway, I was in there and chatted with the clerk for a minute while I paid.

Then about an hour later my brother called to see if I wanted to go get a Diet Coke. It's more of a rhetorical question, really, because when do I not want to go, right? But I didn't really want him to know that it was going to be a refilled refill. So I went and changed my shirt, and put my hair up. I meant to wear my sunglasses, but I forgot them.

I'm not sure what I was trying for. Either I wanted the clerk to not recognize me at all (yeah. because it's not like I see him about 4 mornings a week or anything.), or I wanted him to think that it must have been yesterday that he saw me.
I figured I'd walk through the door saying "Hey! can you believe it's Thursday already?" and either he would either agree, or argue with me about the day, and either way we weren't going to have to discuss the fact that he'd seen me very very recently.

You know, you hear about the lengths crack addicts will go to - trying to get their "stuff" and avoid being caught. But you just don't think it will ever happen to you.

The disguise was crap, and even the clerk saw right through me, though he was nice enough not to say anything in front of my brother. I'm sure I'll hear about it tomorrow.

Unless...

I could switch cars with The Brain, and dye my hair.

or...

I could start going to the OTHER gas station every-other-day.

or...

Shut up, ok?

( I mean, unless you have a suggestion for me that involves another way to get the "stuff".)

Last Night's Dinner

alternate title:

What NOT to Cook

Garlic Veggie Bake looked so good on paper.

But seriously? You know it's bad when my kids are picking out the onions as the GOOD PART.